PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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