Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
