I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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