what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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