I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
