It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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