Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
