shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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