Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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