Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
