It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
