My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
