Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
