U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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