: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
