i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
