I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
