listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
