I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
