My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
