My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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