I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You can't motorboat a personality
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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