i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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