I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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