I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
