I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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