I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
