Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
