she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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