Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
