My hand turned me down
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
