Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
