Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
