Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
