Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I want her autograph on my taint
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
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