I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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