I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
