I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
