Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
