i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
