i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
