i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
