If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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