I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
two words...techno handjob
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My breasts were aching with rage.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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