People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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