the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
