New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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