I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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