I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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