How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
