That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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