I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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