you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
