It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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