Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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