Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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